Letter to my inner child

Dear child, I feel your pain, your heartbreak. Literally. I understand your anger. You have a right to be angry. A lot of what happened wasn’t right, fair, good and loving. So it’s ok to feel angry.

I am so sorry for all the pain you suffered. I am sorry for pushing you away and disconnecting because I wasn’t ready to face the darkness and process that pain. Please forgive me for abandoning you, forgive me to leave you to carry all that darkness and anger and pain. I love you and I need you back here with me as you are part of me. I am ready. We are ready. We are ready to heal all that pain. We are not a powerless child anymore. We are not a victim, not a prey, never again.

We are safe now. We have wisdom, strength and divine power. We are ready to be free from the prison of fear. We grew up, we evolved, we already healed a lot. We are still here standing now tall and proud, not broken down. Against all odds. Despite the darkness and the pain we carried. Even though we suffered a lot. Loss, violation, betrayal, loneliness, trauma we experienced all.

Still it couldn’t break us down. It couldn’t tear us apart. I don’t even understand why. But I feel it’s because of that inner voice that was always there whispering through the darkest hour, don’t give up, you are stronger than this, rise now. That remembering, that connection to something bigger, something wiser, something that is never afraid. That voice that said the best is yet to come and there will be better days. The voice of our destiny, maybe.

Look how far we have come. Even when we carried so much. Even we we couldn’t see where we are going just follow that calling that said come this way. Even when we were confused and didn’t understand why all this is happening. Even when it felt that the whole world is against us. Even when the forces tried to break us, scare us, push us down, drown our voice, break our bones. Even in the pain that twisted our body and froze our heart. Even when they tried to twist our mind, drive us crazy and believe that we are nothing, we are not worthy, we have no power and we don’t deserve to be accepted and loved.

We still followed that voice that told us: rise now and let go. I deeply understand our desire to be a healer and help others to heal because we wanted to heal and feel better.

I know that we felt for a long time that there is something wrong with us and the most important thing is to figure it out and fix it. An absolute priority that’s how it felt to me. And I was willing to sacrifice my country, my family, everything familiar to take this unbeaten path and discover what’s is so wrong that we need healing so desperately.

Walking this path we discovered that there was something really wrong and at the same time there was nothing wrong at all. Let me explain. Part of us was indeed broken. How it could be not? We live in a broken world, it’s clear to see for all of us who have eyes to see the truth. War, abuse, violation, suppression, destruction, indoctrination, lies, secrets, patriarchy that were forced upon us in the name of love, healing, evolution are neither right, fair, just, sustainable nor loving. We inherited a great deal of pain just by coming into this world and experienced a lot afterwards. Now we can see why we were so broken and from this perspective being broken is just natural.

As we started to heal our broken parts we also could see that there was nothing broken at all. Even after all this suffering and pain there was a part of us that was not touched, not broken, not damaged at all. That part that talked to us and guided our healing and awakening from our nightmare. And in the end we discovered that special part of us I call our spirit can hold, heal and transform it all. It’s a fountain of strength and unconditional love that is infinite, undying and unbreakable.

We couldn’t heal all this pain, how could we? How can you forgive the unspeakable? How can you love the ones who inflicted all this pain? We can’t. But that part of us, our divine essence self, our spirit can. It is her who brought us together. It is her who spoke to us and guided us from within. It is her who has the courage and strength to bring our broken pieces together. It is her who helped us to see. It is her who lifted us up from the darkness, pain and suffering. But who is she, this mysterious divine being? Well she is you and she is me. Incredible spirit.

And healing is this remembering. Remembering that you and her and me are one and the same thing.

This remembering gave us the strength and the wisdom to heal. And from here, from this perspective, even the darkness is part of this One being, one source, one spirit.

We understood after a great deal of suffering and pain that we can’t fight the darkness with darkness, that we can’t heal our wounds by inflicting more pain. Only love can do that. Only the divine light has that strength. But how to love the darkness?

We had to see and feel the darkness to know how to step out if it. How to choose love over it. And staring that darkness in the eye is a horrifying act. It shook us to the core but also it opened our eyes.

Opened our eyes to see the light beyond the dark. To remember that we are stronger than that. To give us back our voice to say no more. To bring us back to our heart where we are connected to the source of that divine power and love that can raise us all up.

Look how far we have come. Was it the darkness that brought us back to Love? Yes it was. How funny is that? Awakening is a destructive and painful process. It takes a great effort and courage to break our chains and step out of the prison we were born into. But we all have that strength and wisdom inside of us we just need to remember and wake up. Wake up from this nightmare, wake up from this pain. And choose to end it all. We can be free when we choose love and step into the light where the darkness has no power at all.

We are free now little girl. We are safe now. Even if everything here is taken from us, including our body of flesh and blood who we know we are won’t die. It won’t be broken or hurt at all.

And just like this fear has no power on us from now on. We broke out from the prison of fear. We opened our eyes to the most horrific and the most divine. And in the end the darkness just made us shine brighter and gain us more power than ever before. How funny. How divine.

So please forgive me my child for forgetting who we are. Forgive me for closing my eyes to the darkness and the pain when it was too much to bear. Forgive me for lashing out and pushing everybody away. But I was in so much pain. It was hard to remember who I was beneath all. But I do now. We do. We remember all. We let the light shine in on us because we dared to open even when we were afraid.

And now this light, this love washes over us every day again and again. Cleansing our body, heart and mind, melting the walls down. Ending all separation. Banishing fear. Dissolving the darkness and healing all the pain.

I am grateful. Thank you for hearing my call and coming back to me to be one again. I feel a huge weight was lifted. Peace is possible now.

I love you. I love myself. We are one unity consciousness.

One human family. Let’s unite.

With all my love, Nina Izel

Ps: come and join our monthly community healing circle live via zoom here

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