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What are boundaries and why do you need them?
I know that in the spiritual sense we are all One Unity Consciousness but let’s be frank here in our human existence boundaries are vital priorities. And if you are in your psychedelic integration process, setting boundaries is an essential part, I am gonna explain why.
To begin with, with are all wounded, disconnected and ignorant to a certain extent. Sorry to break it but prove me otherwise.
When you are wounded you bleed on others even without wanting.
The best you can do to protect yourself and prevent hurting others is establish healthy boundaries.
In a way it’s funny that we call them healthy boundaries because if we would be truly healthy we wouldn’t need any boundaries!
But here we are in our lovely brokenness and it’s our responsibility to heal.
Healing is a process and it takes time, in the meanwhile boundaries are the only way to prevent further damage and stop the chain of pain as I like to call it.
So what is a boundary?
Simply saying a boundary is a line between what is yours, belongs to you to deal with and what is not yours, doesn’t belong to you and can’t be resolved by you.
And yes often it’s difficult to discern what is yours and what is not. Most people need therapy for that and I am not joking.
Why do you need a boundary?
Healthy boundaries provide containment, safety and protection. In our hierarchy of needs (Maslow: Hierarchy of needs) safety is on the bottom with other basic needs like food and shelter to provide foundation for growth.
You cannot reach higher needs and enlightenment if your basic needs like safety are not fulfilled first.
Boundaries create a sense of safety that is essential for growth and personal empowerment.
When you have clear boundaries it is also easier to discern what is yours to work on and what are things to let go. Taking responsibility for your stuff will actually free you up from complaining about others and trying to solve their problems instead of focusing on your own. This will free you from unnecessary stress and anxiety that naturally occurs when you don’t have boundaries.
- Provide safety & protection
- Grow and access your power
- Freedom from stress & anxiety
How to set a boundary?
Boundaries are often established through conflict because you are creating a new status quo and often people are not gonna like it. They want to receive the same from you than before and they naturally get upset when you first say no.
To set a boundary you have to accept that…
- Boundaries established through conflict until a certain level of awareness is reached
- Face your fears of possibly loosing the relationship if your boundaries are not respected
- You need to overcome your escapism, avoidance, denial, resistance to stand up for yourself
- You have to enforce the boundary, do what you say you will do when people cross your boundary
One of the most common limiting beliefs that often comes up for my clients is that it’s selfish to put a boundary. That sacrifice is an expression of love and a noble act. This can’t be further from the truth and this is exactly the kind of mindset that creates a self sacrificing behavior.
1. Get clear on where your boundary is
What is acceptable and non acceptable in your relationships?
For example: yelling and insulting somebody is not acceptable for me in a relationship.
How do you know where your boundary is: A good way to decide this is asking yourself if a stranger would treat you the way your loved one is treating you what would you do?
2. Get clear what you are going to do if this boundary is crossed again
What will you do different if the same situation occurs again?
For example: If I am yelled at again, I am going to walk away and leave the situation. If this person doesn’t stop the yelling behavior and respects my boundary I will leave the relationship.
3. Communicate to the other person what is your boundary and what’s gonna happen if it’s crossed again
How will you communicate the boundary to others?
For example: I decided that yelling at me and insulting me is not acceptable for me in anymore in this relationship. I respectfully ask you to avoid this in the future. If this behavior continues I will walk away from the situation until you calm down and eventually might leave this relationship if things won’t start to change.
4. Enforce the boundary
What will happens if your boundary is crossed again?
This is where most efforts fail. If you won’t enforce the boundary for sure others will cross it again. People will learn very fast that you are just talking but not serious enough to actually do it.
The best you can do is respect yourself enough to walk away if you are abused.
Lack of boundaries
How do you know where your boundaries should be?
When a boundary is crossed you naturally get frustrated then angry. This is your inner being letting you know that something not OK is happening and you need to take action.
A healthy response is to stand up and defend yourself or leave the situation in order to protect yourself and maintain your boundary.
Unfortunately what happens in most cases we suppress that anger, go into a state of freeze and just allow the abuse to happen.
The purpose of anger is protection. When you learn to suppress this natural mechanism you become more vulnerable to attack, most likely to become a victim and loose your power.
This is the reason why the lack of boundaries leads to disempowerment and often depression.
What happens when you have no boundaries?
- Constant worry, anxiety because of the lack of safety
- Disempowerment, depression
- Self sacrifice, people pleasing, co-dependency
- Suppressed anger, passive aggressive
Where are your boundaries?
Boundaries are essential in relationships until we heal and awaken fully. They are vital for safety and emotional well-being. Without boundaries, emotions can become entangled, leading to confusion, resentment, and an overall strain on your health.
Respecting each other’s limits and preferences creates a foundation of trust. This encourages open communication and collaboration, essential elements for the growth and longevity of any relationship. Understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries enhance the likelihood of finding mutually beneficial solutions during challenging times.
By recognizing the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can cultivate relationships that not only endure the test of time but also flourish in a positive and supportive environment.
In invite you to reflect on where your boundaries are right now?
With love,
Nina Izel
