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You might think that lying and deceiving makes life easier. And it is true that it can relieve you from the weight of responsibility temporarily that would come with radical honesty.
I used to lie all the time when I was a child to avoid punishment and to get away with little things I wanted to do but was not allowed, like going out and play with my friends or watch a forbidden TV program.
Lies do more harm than good
This habit grew as I reached adolescence. Lying became a way to avoid my father’s wrath and to stay safe in a dangerous house. But the more I lied, the more I got caught up in the web of my lies. Sooner or later I would forget what I lied about and it made me anxious and stressed to keep up with all the lies. Then those lies started to live their own lives and created more lies.
By the time I was 18 years old I felt crushed under the weight of lies. At the beginning these lies seemed to help me and ease my life. But in the end it turned out that they were doing less good and more harm. The guilt, fear, stress and anxiety started to grow as I desperately tried to keep up with the web of lies. One day I woke up feeling a deep desire to stop with all the lies. I felt that whatever the consequences will be of my honesty it cannot be worse than being trapped in my own make-belive world.
At that time I stopped telling lies. Soon I realized that my father will be deeply unhappy with me no matter if I am honest or if I lie. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough according to him. So I decided to stick with honesty. As a result I experienced something unexpected. A great relief washed over me and I felt that a huge was lifted. Even though this didn’t change much my relationship with my father, I started to feel much better.
Self-deception
Little did I know that this was the first step to heal my relationships starting with myself. At the beginning I was so proud of myself for not lying to others that I didn’t even notice that I kept lying to myself. Self deception is a huge blind spot not easy to spot. It took me years of deep inner work to become aware how I deceived myself in so many ways.
I kept lying to myself because I was too afraid to face the painful truths and emotions. Now I understand that it’s a natural protective mechanism that helped me to cope with pain, shame, fear, and unsafety. But again the short-term relief was not worth the price I paid and it held me back from growth, healing, and authentic living that I desired more than anything else in the world.
Sometimes the truth is too overwhelming. Sometimes your whole identity is threatened by it. And always your Ego wants to maintain a certain self-image. I learnt that facing the truth means taking full responsibility. And I have to say it took me a while to gather my courage to do this. It seemed easier to blame others for my pain. I was terrified to let go and truly change.
So many times I said I am fine when I really suffered inside. For so long I believed that love means to justify and put up with abuse. So many times I deceived myself by believing that my life is not so bad. Often I would avoid the deeper work by convincing myself that I am already over what happened. And my favorite lie to avoid real change was to tell myself that this is just the way I am and there is nothing I can do about that.
Honesty means taking full responsibility
In the end I had to face all these lies because deep down I truly wanted a different life. Radical honesty means facing yourself even if it hurts at first. It took time to let go of shame and guilt because I lied. I had to learn what is love and compassion.
But in the end radical honesty proved to be the most powerful tool to liberate myself from suffering and truly be free. And the results were life changing and transformative. It brings a great relief when you drop the facade and stop pretending. It’s like breathing fresh air when you are suffocating.
Authenticity is the foundation for growth, healing and healthy relationships. It is the key to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over again. When you are able to face yourself even in the mess, you build confidence and self-respect. How about that?
Being radically honest is a brave act and it’s the key to self love and connectedness.
Are you ready to be honest with yourself?
